Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
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Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
that de-escalated quickly
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?