Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
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I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery