I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
You Might Also Like
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.