Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
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Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!