Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
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[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year