Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
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Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
what?
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
What I say: it鈥檚 time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There鈥檚 something wrong with your counting.
4: There鈥檚 something wrong with the dog.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 馃幎
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 馃檹馃従
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Wife: I鈥檒l bet you $100 you can鈥檛 go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.