“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
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Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving