There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Shower sex be like:
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”