kevin is now a local weatherman
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I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*