All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
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bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things