Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
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[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.