i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
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I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.