Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
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I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.