I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
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Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better