My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
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Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.