Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
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Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked