Weighing up my bread heating options
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[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
#SaturdayBears
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…