My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
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*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
This meeting could have been a cake
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?