No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
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I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio