*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
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Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
huge if true: the moon
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy