*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
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“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.