I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
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All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Doctors texting each other.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.