Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
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God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.