Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
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Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
if my sleeping schedule was a person
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I saw this ending much differently.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.