Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
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Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing