Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
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I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
All. The. Damn. Time.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no