[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
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The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost