Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
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When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
PARKOUR
I’m sure it’s fine.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.