The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
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Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
doing your own taxes
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.