Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
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Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
“OMGJK” -atheists
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Me trying to reach for my goals
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too