If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
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I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo