Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
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I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.