[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
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Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Admin smashed it 😂
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
My flabber has been gasted.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.