A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
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I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
This why you should mind your business
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.