[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
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[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-