The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
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My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”