Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
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I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”