I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
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Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton