Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
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[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work