[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
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At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
“i am a sweet baby”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.