date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
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last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.