[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
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Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Most fashion shows these days…
you know what ruined my childhood? children
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.