I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
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Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.