I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
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I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
getting groceries
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.