I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
You Might Also Like
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Just why bro?!
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog