Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.