The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
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Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.