a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
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I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Just why bro?!
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
nyc:
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Software Development ⛵️
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
.. do you even science?
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.