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Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
S/o to @funTweeters .
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Current mood: Potato
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?