Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
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ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you